At 24 I was going through what was still the worst break up of my life. I was in love with a man who would be later diagnosed with bi-polar disorder as well as having drug and alcohol abuse problems. At the time we just thought it was depression and anxiety, but regardless the terms- it was a toxic relationship and we couldn't stay together. Both heart broken and both still harbouring love we continued to sleep together on and off after the break up. It was hard not to when you still felt such love.
Then I found out I was pregnant. That morning I felt sick on the train and the smell of coffee- my life's blood, made me want to vomit. Instantly I knew. I did a test that night and posted 'FML' on face book in the vague book manner that was done at the time. My mum called me instantly - she knew. From 15 she had helped me get birth control and always said to me if I should get pregnant no mater my decision she would support me and my choice. I am so lucky to have a mum like mine. It was never a question for me, as soon as I knew my instinct was no, this isn't happening I can't be a parent right now. So I went to my GP she referred me to the clinic on the basis it would be detrimental to my mental health (which isn't lie, but there shouldn't need to be this reason) and I made the first appointment I could get. My mum took me and she paid for the procedure as I was in a minimum wage job at the time. Protesters yelling at you as you walk in the door, but medical staff who were beyond the kindest I've ever had. I had told the father because he had a right to know and at first he said he would come with me as well and be there for me during and after. He supported my decision. He then reneged and said although he wouldn't try and stop me he couldn't be there for me emotionally or talk to me about it at all because 'he couldn't deal with it'. Well- I just had to deal with it. I had no option but to deal. I understand with his illness and we are on good terms and I harbour no ill feelings for this person. It just hurt more than anything that the one person in the world I wanted and needed support from, couldn't. At the time the only guilt I felt was that the lady I worked with was desperately trying to have a family and here I am falling pregnant despite being on birth control in a situation I would never bring a baby into. I wished we could trade places. My boss and I never told her. If I had had the baby, I would have had to move home in with my parents and go on welfare. My work place was closing down in 3 months, I would have been showing, no one would hire me, maternity leave was not happening. If I wanted to work after the baby my mum would have had to cut back hours at her work to help take care of it while I worked- because child care is so expensive. That would have also meant not as much money for my parents at retirement. Now at 32 I never ever regret my choice. I am so thankful for my mother assisting me, helping me with the money, allowing me the choice. I have an amazing career that allows me to live on my own and take care of myself. I'm also in performing arts industry and get to travel the country performing and teaching women dance classes. I'm truly blessed. I don't think I ever actually want parenthood at all. But if I do make that choice I know I'm in a position to actually give a child the kind of life they deserve now. Rather than being stuck in a welfare cycle and living on not much/ using up my parents retirement fund. I cry at every rally for the women's right to choose for every woman who has not had the option or choice.re to edit.
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I thought it would never happen to me. I who has a teenager was naively pro-choice. But it did; at 26, just started a new job in a new city. Had no friends but a man I didn't love who I slept with. I was depressed, lonely confused. My first pregnancy, unwanted, unplanned. No one to help me. Except the nurses at the clinic. They helped me and it was the right choice.
They helped me get help for my depression - which was not caused by the abortion. Rather, the depression had caused an unplanned pregnancy. Three years later, with proper medication, therapy, healthier, happy and in a better relationship I had my first son. Without those services, those non-judgemental workers. I would not be the mother I am today. |
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November 2017
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