It really annoys me when people talk about abortion like it’s something you should be sad about or ashamed of, or like it should be a difficult decision. The truth is that it was one of the easiest decisions I’ve ever made. I don’t think I’d be human if I didn’t have random moments where I stop and wonder what could have been, but these moments are never tinged with any kind of regret or sadness – only relief.
I had just finished my university degree – but I didn’t go to uni until later in life, so I was around 30 when I finished – and I got an office job that paid pretty well. But I hated it. It was boring and repetitive and I couldn’t imagine staying there for too long. I had an ongoing sex thing with a guy who I had deluded myself into thinking I had some kind of future with. He was funny and very attractive and exceptional at sex – if there was a sex Olympics, he would win many gold medals. Unfortunately, he was also unbelievably selfish and narcissistic – which I was happy to overlook when he was giving me such great orgasms (funnily sex was the only time he was not selfish). I was on the pill, but I’d been having problems with bleeding and other side effects, so I was trying a new pill, and I must have been careless in between switching over... I’d always had really irregular periods, so there was no issue there, but soon my boobs were starting to get incredibly painful, and I was even moodier than usual – despite being on anti-depressants for my bipolar disorder. I bought a pregnancy test from the supermarket near work in my lunchbreak, and my worst fear was confirmed. I had a workmate who I was quite close with, and I went to talk to her and I couldn’t get the words out because I started crying so hard that snot was running out of my nose and I went all red in the face and sobbed like my life was ending. There was absolutely no question about what I was going to do. I started investigating how to get an abortion immediately. It was clear that I didn’t have many options. Marie Stopes in Fortitude Valley was pretty much it – and while it wasn’t exorbitant, the price meant I would have to eat packet noodles for a while. I certainly couldn’t ask the narcissist for money – he was on the dole. I had to get a referral from my doctor – they had to confirm that I was actually pregnant. It turned out that I had to go and get an ultrasound before I was allowed to go and terminate. The ultrasound was probably the most unpleasant part of the whole experience. The guy who was doing the ultrasound was a fair bit older and very creepy, he was REALLY trying to get me to agree to a vaginal ultrasound – where they stick the ultrasound wand up in your vagina – I would not agree to this, so he had to settle for doing it the normal way on the outside of my belly. Then I had to go back to my doctor where she confirmed the results of the ultrasound - there was indeed an embryo in there, and it was only a few weeks along. So she wrote me a referral letter and I promised to go back and talk about other forms of contraception. I made my booking at Marie Stopes as soon as I was able, and I had to ask my work friend if she would come and collect me after, which she kindly agreed to do. On the day, I was surprised at how quickly it all happened. I had to meet with a doctor when I got there to confirm that I did indeed want to terminate. Then I got changed into a paper gown and waited my turn with a few other women of varying ages. They finally came and got me, and knocked me out and I woke up in recovery about 20mins later. Not long after that I was feeling not too bad, and they said I could leave, so I called my friend and she came and collected me. The next week I went back to my doctor and got a prescription for an IUD. When I have those moments of thinking about what could have been, I know – with absolute certainty – that if I had had a child at that time it would have been the worst decision of my life. I would likely have stayed working in a job that I hated, or ended up relying on government handouts to get by, or worse having another mental breakdown and doing who knows what. Instead I went on to achieve amazing things in my life. When I look back I can’t believe how much I’ve done in the time since that happened, and I have no regrets or sadness – only relief that I was lucky enough to live in Brisbane where I actually had access to that service - even if I had to live on noodles for a while to pay for it.
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November 2017
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