I was 20 when I found out I was pregnant, I had taken a morning after pill within 12 hours after the sex and still managed to fall pregnant. I knew straight away that I was not prepared mentally or financially to have a child so I went to my doctor, after her congratulating me on the pregnancy I watched her face change as I assured her that I clearly not pleased about being pregnant. I always thought that the lack of sensitivity on my doctor's part was strange considering that in her field of work some level of sensitivity would almost certainly be required.
Nevertheless I received a referral to a clinic, I called and spoke to the support staff on the phone. I was absolutely hysterical at this point, I had no information about the abortion process and all I could find on the internet was mainly horror stories posted by fanatical pro-lifers. The staff on the phone were fantastic - they ran me through every detail of the process and answered every question that I had. I think my lack of accessibility to correct information really exacerbated my fear. Once I had everything explained to me I felt so much calmer. It was normal, this was a standard minor surgical procedure, I was going to be completely fine. I booked my appointment for two weeks after that phone call. I had to cash in a years worth of accrued annual leave at my work to afford just half of the fee, which required an extremely uncomfortable conversation with my bosses, they were fortunately very supportive and open. The other half I had to borrow from a friends well off partner. I probably won't ever be able to tell my parents that I have had an abortion. My mother is extremely religious and I don't think my father would be too pleased either. I arrived at the clinic on that day and had my general consultation and discussion with the nurse. She ran me through both surgical and non-surgical options. I chose non-surgical as I have fears about being unconscious. I was sent through to the doctor for the second consultation. That was where I had to get an ultrasound. To me it felt like if I saw this ultrasound it would all become "real" for me. To my huge surprise - I was not made to look at the ultrasound, the doctor turned the sound off for me too. It was quick and I maintained my bodily autonomy throughout the process. I was then ran through the procedure and experiences to expect with the non-surgical (RU486 pill) termination method. You take the first pill to kick off the process while you are in the office with the doctor. She ran me through when to take the second pills, answered my extra questions and then my appointment was finished. The doctor was kind and I felt that she was in tune with my own feelings, she complimented me on my firmness of mind and reassured me that I had made a good decision. You have to go back to the clinic two weeks after a medical termination so they can confirm your body has cleared all the pregnancy tissues from your body. I booked my next appointment, paid my fee, and left. The next day, I started the non-surgical termination process at home. Three of my close friends at the time took the day off from all of their jobs to be with me. They baked me cupcakes, made me cups of tea and watched movies with me while my body rid itself of the pregnancy materials. I actually felt surprisingly fine that day, I was told to expect strong cramps but it was less severe than a regular period. I felt more and more relieved as the day went on. Another friend came in the evening and drove me to get burgers with her. I felt very secure being around all my friends and it was reassuring to be supported by people close to me. 10 days passed and I was hospitalised for a severe anxiety attack - I disclosed my termination and they re-tested me for pregnancy as a precaution - the test was positive, I was still pregnant. My appointment at the clinic was 3 days after that so I was told to discuss this with them when I re-attended. Back at the clinic I was ultra-sounded again and found that my uterus hadn't fully cleared itself so my body still thought it was pregnant and was still producing pregnancy hormones, hence the positive result. I was told that I would have to go under for the surgical termination process to remove the excess tissue. So, I went back for my second "abortion" a few days later. This time I was nervous as I am uncomfortable with being unconscious - I still am. When you go in for a surgical termination, you go through a series of little holding rooms. The first one is where you wait to meet with the anaesthetist, who was an amazing lady with short orange hair who assured me she had an abortion and now had two amazing children and was happy and confident with her decision and she was proud of me too. Once you meet with them you are given a little box, a surgical gown, a hair net and you get sent through to the second holding room with comfortable lounge chairs and a tv. This is where you get changed into the surgery clothes and your personal belongings go into the box you get given. This is the final stop before you go into the actual theatre. I was called into the theatre by the same anesthetist, she called me by name and made me feel extremely reassured. The theatre was light filled with high ceilings. The doctor was a small lady with a smile and kind eyes, there were two other nurses and another male anesthetist. Everyone says hello to you and is very normal and friendly, like you're going through the checkout to buy groceries. You lie down on the table and they run you through what's going to happen with the anaesthetic, then they hook you up to the anaesthetic and you're out. I woke up to people calling my name, and standing me up. I felt immediate, instant and complete relief. You walk out of the theatre after the procedure the same way you walk in except you go into a recovery room. I had made a note of the time when I had gone in and checked the time again in the recovery room. The process had taken a total of 8 minutes from walk in to walk out. I saw another girl waiting to go in and I made eye contact with her, smiled and told her that she was going to be alright and she did the right thing. She looked instantly relieved. The recovery room is 4 plush recliners and a really funny and kind nurse who gives you biscuits and juice and talks to you. I really enjoyed the recovery room. Its similar to after you donate blood. Once I was deemed fit to leave you change back into your normal clothes and then you head out to be discharged by the nurses at the front desk. I hugged them all because I was probably a bit woozy from the anaesthetic but also because I was and still am so genuinely grateful that they are able to provide people with this service. Its so vital and so very important that abortion is safe and accessible. I think the main parts of my story that I want to stress to people outside of this is that there is a huge stigma around abortion and that is simply because there is a lack of published knowledge out there. I felt immediately less afraid as soon as I knew the actual process and logic behind something and I feel that that's a natural part of human nature - the fear of the unknown. The second point that I need to stress is the great feeling of relief and calm that I felt immediately after and in the weeks that followed. I have never once regretted my decision and I am proud and open about my experience because I don't feel that its something I should be ashamed of or embarrassed about. I felt empowered that day knowing that I had exercised my right as a woman to control over my bodily autonomy and that is a feeling that has persisted with me in the years that have passed. I really hope that this helps someone to make their decision in future. If it helps one person feel better about their choice, then I will be really happy.
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November 2017
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