I was raped and fell pregnant 14 months ago when I was 37. I was, and still am, married with three children. At the time my children were 9, 6 and 6 months old.
My husband was out of town for work and I had finished putting my oldest to bed at 8pm. I stayed up late enjoying having the house to myself and went to bed late. My house was broken early in the morning and I was raped in my own bedroom. I didn’t last much longer than an hour. My baby had only recently been moved next door to her own room. Afterwards, when I could finally move again I checked on my kids and showered. The next day I went and got a morning after pill and changed the locks to my house within two days. I told my husband we had been broken in too but I couldn’t tell my husband what else had happened, I was too ashamed. I wish I had told him sooner but at the time, I didn’t have time for anything else than making sure my kids didn’t know anything was wrong. At the time, I was worried if I called the police that my children would become distressed so I didn't. I didn't think they would be able to help me anyway. I just wanted to forget it had ever happened. A few weeks later I realised my period was late. I drove myself the chemist, bought a home pregnancy test and then used it in the public toilet in the shopping complex. It was positive. I knew that the pregnancy wasn’t from my husband. Leading up to that night sex with my husband had been a rarity. Having three kids under ten (one of them a newborn), a husband who works full time and me going back to work doesn’t encourage or leave much room for an active sex life, no matter how much you love each other. It was one of the many reasons I hadn’t been as proactive with going back to a new contraception once my youngest had been born as I had with my first two. This news destroyed me. I told my husband that night and there were tears, shouting and thick silences. The guilt of what had happened to me and of what We knew that we couldn’t continue the pregnancy. Our last child had been a ‘happy accident’ and we knew our family was well and truly completed. My husband had even talked about getting a vasectomy. I didn't even know the morning after pill could fail. I went to my GP and told him what had happened. I was distraught, firing off every question I could think of - What would I need to do? How much would it cost? He sat there helplessly and said that he didn’t know the answer to any of my questions and that even if he did he wouldn’t help me. He didn’t say anything else to me aside from if I decided to continue the pregnancy he would help me then. I was mortified. I went to another GP the next day as I knew nothing about abortion. I asked the same questions and this doctor also didn’t know the answers but he was very helpful and googled clinics on his phone for me. It was then that both of us found out abortion was illegal in QLD. That made me feel even worse and I broke down in his office. I had needed to have a blood test anyway and my Dr wanted me to also see how pregnant I was “just in case” the pregnancy wasn’t the result of my rape. I knew it would be. When I went to the local pathology I broke down before the lady put the needle in and, for whatever reason, told her everything. When I was done she looked at me and said “I didn’t realise Asians had abortions.” I am half Japanese. I’ve never gone back. I was four weeks pregnant and I knew that my husband was not the father. My husband booked an appointment for me at a clinic in Southport. The closest date they had was the same day as my 38th birthday when I would be six weeks pregnant. I didn’t care. The day before my kids left to have a three day stay at my mother’s and my husband began a week of annual leave from work. His boss is very understanding. So was mine. I will be forever grateful to how caring my boss was when I told her what I needed to do. She has never asked about it since and I am glad for it. My husband took me to the clinic that day and acted as a human shield from the protestors who were outside the clinic yelling things like ‘baby killer’ and facts about what the pain level of an embryo. It was humiliating. I wanted to yell at them and scream ‘You don’t know why I’m here.’ ‘You have no idea I wish I could be anywhere else.’ He waited for me the whole time while the nurse talked me through the steps of a medical abortion. I took the first tablet there and the second one the next day. It was physically painful but I don’t remember feeling anything other than relief. Two weeks later I went back to the clinic and they confirmed that I was no longer pregnant. The abortion cost me $600. No woman who falls pregnant should have to go through what I did and feel like a criminal. I love my family and being forced to continue that pregnancy would have destroyed both it and me. Someday, I might tell my kids about what happened. And if I do I will tell them I made my choice and that every other woman can do the same. Whenever I think about the abortion I just feel glad that I was able to get one with a loving support network. I have a Rape Survivors Support Group I hear stories there about girls who are raped and have no one to turn too. The law should be on their side, not against them. The law needs to change and it needs to stop making women who are already victimised feel like they are criminals. If my story affects anyone for the better then it will have been worth telling it.
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November 2017
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