I was 37 and married with 2 boys aged 9 & 4. It had taken us 2.5 yrs to have our second. I had "always wanted" at least 3 kids but after the process of trying to fall pregnant for so long & suffering a nervous breakdown a few months after our youngest was born, we were settled with the 2 kids we had. One night I had a dream a friend was pregnant - the next day it was all over the news that Kim Kardashian was pregnant. I'm not a fan but thought how funny I had some kind of physic connection with her!
A few days later I realised I hadn't had a period for a while & half jokingly bought a pregnancy test. When those 2 lines appeared my first words were f*#%!. My husband was incredibly supportive & said he would go with whatever decision I made. I have always been a pro-choice supporter but never in a million years did I think I would be making the choice. I wrestled with the decision for a few days. I googled pregnancy support & came across a hotline & called it in tears - the only support I was offered was "oh love you were just destined to have 3 kids". I also called a depression hotline & was told that I should go with the choice that I wouldn't regret. I was leaning towards going ahead with the pregnancy. We told only my immediate family who all offered to help. While I appreciated their support it just seemed that this baby would become the responsibility of the whole family. As I sufferer of depression & an auto immune condition, I was also aware I would need to stop medication for both conditions while pregnant. Somehow I came across Children by Choice and called them a few times. I will forever be grateful for their support. They actually listened to my concerns & repeated my own words back to me. One night I woke in a panic, got out of bed, found pen & paper and wrote the words "I do not want another baby". I drove myself to our nearest hospital while trying to stop myself from driving the car off the road. Thankfully the hospital had an emergency psychiatric unit where I spent 3 days clearing my head. A few days later I had the abortion. The number & different types of women in the waiting room shocked me. Relief is the main emotion I felt then & continue to feel 3 years later. My husband I re-evaluated our lives & made small but important changes. The irony that we struggled to fall pregnant for so long & then fell pregnant without trying is not lost on me. But I am so so thankful that I found Children by Choice & had the courage to choose what was right for me.
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November 2017
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