In March 2017 i found out i was pregnant. I had a 12 month old boy and while my husband and i werent trying it was a surprise we were happy about. All went extremely well and smooth and we hoped for a baby girl a little sister for our little boy. At my 12 week scan i came out in tears. Our little babys fluid behind its neck was measuring higher than usual. The cut off of normal was 2.9 and our babies was measuring 3.2. We decided to get a harmony test done. A few days later and hundreds of dollars later we got the results back. The few chromosome abnormalities they test for came back fine and we found out we were having a little girl! We were over the moon. My dr had put a referral for me to go to the big hospital in the city due to the increased fluid on the back of babies neck but they called her saying it wasnt cause for concern unless it was over 3.5. All was good and well. We made sure to go to a specialist womens centre for our morphology scan. The ultrasound tech told us that everything looked normal but suggested a repeat scan in 4 weeks time because i had an anterior placenta (placenta attached to the front rather than the back) and because baby wasnt cooperating to get all the heart measurements. 4 weeks later on my husbands birthday i went for another scan. We went home thinking all was well and enjoying my husbands birthday. For the first time i thought things were okay and i started to enjoy my pregnancy. Then i got a call from the drs office requesting an urgent appointment. The next day my dr told me my baby girl had micrognathia (a small jaw which can affect breathing and feeding) she had fluid build up in the back of her head which caused her cerebellum(back part of her brain) to not grow. Also the front part of her brain hadnt formed properly. They suspected dandy walker malformation. The next day my dr got me in with a specialist at a private hospital where we had more scans. It was confirmed that she had micrognathia, dandy walker malformation as well as a heart defect (she had an extra part of her heart that was pumping blood into her body). We did an amnio there and then. We were then referred to see a genetics dr who was also a pediatrician. He told us what we would face. Possible life in a wheel chair because of fluid build up in the head stopping her from walking, mental retardation, seizures, heart surgeries, non verbal, possibility of being deaf or blind, feeding and breathing issues, she would live in nappies for her life and there was a chance she wouldnt make it to birth. He then wanted to refer us to another hospital where we could speak to a heart surgeon. At that point i could see it all now. This would be out life. Taking our baby (if she lived) to numerous hospitals across the state for specialist appointments only to continue to be in severe pain her whole life despite having brain surgery after brain surgery. It was cruel. It was selfish to even consider bringing her into the world when her world would be a world of pain. After the dr told us everything that would be wrong with her he said the sentence which broke me again. 'But unfortunately youre too far along for us to do anything as Queensland only allows terminations up until 24 weeks.'
So did this mean i had to carry my baby full term and watch her suffer and die? I broke down crying. I couldnt keep growing and fall inlove with her more and more each day. The kicks would get stronger and so would my love for this beautiful little girl. I told him that the previous dr we saw told us that it didnt matter and not to worry about what we had read or been told. We went home looking for options. Considering going to another state if necessary. 2 days later i got a call to come back. We went back and out little girl went into her forever sleep. At 8:49 i felt her give her last kicks and then she was gone. The next day i went to my local hospital to start the induction process. She was born on the 25th of August 2017 on daffodil day. I gave birth to her naturally with minimal pain relief. She was whole and complete and beautiful. She was 34cm long and weighed 770grams at 25 weeks 2 days gestation. The midwives were all beautiful and so reassuring. We got photos taken and her hand prints and even got hand and foot moulds done. We got to go back and see her as much as we wanted before her funeral. We did this not because we didnt love her. We did it because we love her. If your child hurts themselves youd do anything to stop the pain. And thats what we did. We took away her pain before she knew it. We did the suffering so she wouldnt have to. I believe in God and i believe that he doesnt look down on me and see someone who wanted to 'murder' or 'kill' a baby...my baby. I believe God looks into our hearts and can see that we did this out of love. I have 2 children now. I have one on earth and I believe I have one in heaven. Most people know what happened and have been very supportive. You also get people like my mother who said 'you need to ask for forgiveness you are a sinner.' But they dont understand. Until they are faced with these situations only then do they understand. I am the face of a late term termination. I will never stop speaking about it. Infact I want to speak about it more. Its not just a right for women but a right for a baby that would have suffered. Everything we do for our children we do it out of love. I dont feel guilty for my decision. But i do miss her every day. Our house is filled with pictures of her and her brother. If theres one thing I could say to women who are about to go through this it would be to reach out. Never stop talking about it. Not everyone will agree with you and you will get hated for it. But if my story can change 1 persons mind about termination then maybe yours can too. Thank you for listening to my story
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November 2017
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